


孤独死

by velvetcat09



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Groundhog Day, M/M, Time Loop, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 08:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30018978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvetcat09/pseuds/velvetcat09
Summary: “Tama,”“Gintoki-sama, did you make it?”“one more loop.”“I understand.”===a little something about the idea of gintoki repeating the same thing over and over again
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	孤独死

**Author's Note:**

> Kodokushi (孤独死) or lonely death refers to a Japanese phenomenon of people dying alone and remaining undiscovered for a long period of time.

“Fukucho-san, that’s very messy of you.”

The pitter-patter of rain already diluting the blood, it smears across the ground, slowly disappearing into the sewer. Petrichor and rust mixed into one putrid scent, and Gintoki wonders if he’s getting used to this kind of smell. Wondering seems stupid, he knows he’s already used to it. Even before all this, he’s already too familiar with this depressing combination of gloomy loss.

His eyes the same shade as the blood seeping into the figure’s clothes. Torn fabrics with multiple stab wounds, and Gintoki feels more tired than repulsed.

He picks Hijikata’s body up, picks up the broken Muramasha split in two as well. Gintoki carries him in his arms through the rain, Hijikata’s blood seeping to his own clothes.

The silver haired samurai brings the body to the Shinsengumi compound, he puts Hijikata down near the entrance and leaves him there. Then he walks away.

Hijikata will always die somewhere remote that nobody could discover his body until days. Gintoki will always find him. The Shinsengumi will always react badly when they see Gintoki with Hijikata’s lifeless body. So, after a while, Gintoki only ever leaves him alone.

Gintoki will then tread through the same route, the person who waits for the rain to stop will always be taking shelter in front of the closed tobacco shop.

“Tama,”

“Gintoki-sama, did you make it?”

“one more loop.”

“I understand.”

* * *

Gintoki kneels down in front of Hijikata, he wipes the blood drenching the Vice-commander’s face with his kimono sleeves. It’s not raining today, Gintoki cleans it as best as he can.

He cradles Hijikata’s face like he’s a broken porcelain, his thumbs caressing at the marred skin. A jagged slash across his eyes, still smearing red. Gintoki wipes them again. He does this until the wound dries. Watching the blood trickle, then rubbing it off with his white clothes. There’s more of Hijikata’s blood on his kimono than on the Vice-commander’s uniform.

And then he carries his body back to the Shinsengumi.

Gintoki already let go of his anger a long time ago. He doesn’t remember when exactly, but he no longer seeks out whoever killed Hijikata each time. After a while, he realized what a futile act it was. He could kill a thousand men and Hijikata still wouldn’t be back.

Tama notices the samurai from afar. Not because of his blindingly silver hair that will always reflect the sunlight in a certain kaleidoscopic bright. Not the heavy clink of rubber sole hitting the naked ground, steady yet there’s a drag in the sound of it that admits another defeat. Not the way people seem to disperse at the sight of the walking figure, one or two shrieks follow.

It was the blood on his kimono, and Tama knows everything at once within the hundred meters between them.

She bows. “My condolences. I will prepare everything for another loop.”

Tama has been saying that repetitiously for a long time now.

* * *

Gintoki prefers being late altogether than to be a fraction of a second too late.

Knowing that he failed entirely is better than to be one moment short in saving Hijikata. To recount of all the thing he wasted, minutes that he could have saved for getting into Hijikata and grabbing hold of him; instead of using it to walk, to run, to breathe. He thinks he’s perfected it, the art of gathering information of Hijikata’s next whereabouts, protecting him from what could happen to the clueless Vice-commander every day. He thinks he’s calculated everything, memorized every detail, positioned himself perfectly.

That’s why, when he failed, he can’t stop blaming himself the most for being a second too late.

He blames his body for not being faster. For his hand to not be stretched enough to grab for Hijikata.

Gintoki would love to just jump off for the man, catch him midair, and uses himself as the cushion for the impact.

But it meant him dying in place of Hijikata. It meant exchanging fate, and Gintoki already knew that didn’t work because their fates weren’t exchanged. In the amount of loops he had tried that already pass any counting point, their fates were never exchanged. If Gintoki died, he wouldn’t. He’d survive by a fraction of a chance. Something incredibly cruel won’t let him die. And Tama would be there, refusing to explain any further than her upmost apology.

He has lost the count of how many times he’s attempted to save Hijikata.

So, he stops.

“Let’s go to the sea.”

“Did you hit your head?”

Gintoki only tosses Hijikata the other helmet before patting the backseat of his scooter, motioning the Vice-chief to abandon his patrol today in favor to go on a trip with him.

Hijikata clicks his tongue, but puts on the helmet anyway, clicking the belt around his chin. He takes his spot, and they goes off into the distance.

It doesn’t usually work. Most of the times Hijikata would outwardly refuse without giving Gintoki any room to persuade the ever-diligent policeman. But Gintoki keeps trying—keeps asking him at day, then finding the man’s lifeless body at night. The scold always leaves Gintoki’s mouth the moment he sees Hijikata. _If only you’d come with me instead._ He’d say that, but it doesn’t really make much of a difference. Hijikata will always die.

The sun is setting in the horizon, dipping into the sea. Golden hue that warms their skin. Gintoki watches as he sits on the white sandy beach, seawater clinging to his skin from head to toe, arms holding Hijikata’s wet and cold body. Gintoki watches the sunset for the both of them.

“Next time don’t ask for boat riding, alright. I still can’t swim at all.”

* * *

“Can I ask you something?”

Hijikata skews his head a bit to raise an eyebrow at Gintoki who slouches next to him on the other end of the dango shop bench. “Sure.”

“Do you think I’m bad at my job?”

Hijikata fully turns his head to frown hard at the silver haired samurai and his odd question. He blinks, then answers without missing a beat.

“The worst.”

Gintoki blinks back at him, before clicking his tongue in annoyance. “Thanks for the mood-booster.”

“You asked for it.”

“When someone ask something like that, you’re supposed to say the opposite. Something like ‘what are you talking about, you’re great at it. The best!’ or at least ‘You’re not bad at all.’; when people ask a negative opinion about themselves, they want to be complimented, don’t you know? You’re a terrible at reading the mood.”

“And you’re a shameless person. Like hell am I going to ever compliment someone who lazes around all day instead of working. And you don’t need my opinion about how bad your work ethic is, Glasses and China can vouch on my behalf whenever.”

Gintoki rolls his eyes, chewing his dango even slower out of spite. Giving even more validation of Hijikata’s points.

The Vice-commander sighs.

“But you get the job done. Surprisingly, you keep to your words no matter what. That’s reliable.” Hijikata only peeks from the corner of his eyes, feeling the stare directed at him from Gintoki creeps on his skin. The permhead is unusually quiet in his stare.

Because it’s uncomfortable, Hijikata decides to face the annoying man to scold him of how much the silent stare creeps him out—but the words doesn’t come out of his half-opened lips, he can’t read what exactly is that expression on Gintoki’s face. He can’t comprehend that combination of painful smile on someone like Gintoki that Hijikata’s lost for words.

“Would you listen to this small trouble I have?”

There’s a crack at the corner of Gintoki’s words that makes Hijikata can’t possibly deny him his ears.

“…Alright.”

“So, I have this job, I can’t seem to get it done. I keep failing again and again. Whenever I think I’m close to the end, it just fails. I have to redo it all over again, and it’s been so long that I no longer remember what’s the actual request was.” Hijikata watches Gintoki leaning down and cradling his head like he has the worst headache in the world. Maybe he does. It’s not like him to be looking this troubled, after all. If something can bother the silver permhead so much that he confesses of his trouble to Hijikata, it must be serious.

And Hijikata has no idea how to console this man.

He takes a quiet deep breath. “From what I gather, you sound like giving up there. You of all people would know not to give up, even when it looks the darkest. Go look at a different angle, or brute your way like usual; you’ll get to it, I’m sure.” Gintoki looks up at him slightly and Hijikata’s heart stops for a beat at the painful gaze. It pains him as well, somehow. “You’re the Yorozuya. You’ll get the job done no matter what.”

“Then, I have a question for you.”

Hijikata nods slightly. He notices Gintoki is now looking at his hands that are resting on his knees.

“If I tell you that you’d die if you leave this bench right now, would you stay the rest of the day here with me? Or would you go back to your place anyway.”

Hijikata blinks, not understanding.

But he stays with Gintoki until the sun goes down, the shops around them slowly turning on their lanterns for their night patrons. He stays until the dango owner tells them that he’s closing the shop, and Gintoki asks if they can just sit there on the bench. They stay and talk about a lot of things, conversations that don’t fit their usual comical jabs at each other, banters that are more subdued than their usual loud shouting. Talks that don’t return to their initial conversation and Gintoki’s troubled confession.

Gintoki walks him back to the barrack.

Hijikata dies when he runs into the traffic to save a boy from being hit by a truck.

Gintoki carries his body until they arrive at the compound’s gate.

* * *

Gintoki decides to be more proactive of his choices.

He outright tells Hijikata that he’d die if he doesn’t listen to Gintoki’s words. Hijikata gives various kind of answers; ranging from the loud disbelief right back at his face, to the concerned frown that follows with skeptical questions.

Sometimes he agrees to follow Gintoki’s words, sometimes he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t, then Gintoki forces his way to make Hijikata do as all he says. He keeps the V-bang asshole close by his side, not letting him escape his eyes.

If Hijikata tries to get away from him, Gintoki just drags him by the arm.

If Hijikata threatens to cut him in half if he doesn’t let go, Gintoki just grabs the blade with his hand, ignoring the blood slowly seeping from his palm and the quiet horror on Hijikata’s face when it dawns on the Vice-commander of how serious Gintoki is.

Gintoki will force his way into keeping Hijikata safe, whether the man likes it or not.

He can’t stop the cycle from repeating itself. There’s a rule at the end of this game that must be followed regardless of whatever that he does. At the end of the day, it must be fulfilled regardless.

So, Hijikata dies anyway.

But Gintoki gets to spend the entire day with him beforehand, so he counts that as a step, anyway.

* * *

Gintoki takes him everywhere, anywhere. They try all the things that they’ve never done. Gintoki asks him what he’d like to do today that he always wants but never get the chance to do. Hijikata asks him back why they should do that. Gintoki answers that Hijikata will die at the end of the day so he should stop asking stupid question and just tell Gin-san what he’d like to do today before he gets cremated and thrown into the sea.

Although the raven’s expression is always full of morbid confusion whenever Gintoki explains it with no sugar coating, the silver head samurai is passed keeping the secrets. What’s the point, let the man know everything and anything, it’s not like it’ll change the outcome each night. Gintoki is tired of tailing behind Hijikata and just wants to get on a date with the man while he still can. Telling Hijikata about his grim fate saves Gintoki from having to tiptoe with how much he needs Hijikata to be close by his side. Hijikata is surprisingly obedient once he comprehends his fated death, and Gintoki already knows what words to use to get Hijikata’s best cooperation with each reset.

However, Gintoki still keeps out that last detail.

He never mentions about his continuous trial and errors in giving the best day of Hijikata’s life. He thinks, if he ever tells him about the truth of this despair he’s suffering while holding Hijikata’s hand to the best ramen shop in Edo, he thinks he can’t handle facing Hijikata’s honest plea for Gintoki to explain it.

The truth escapes him once and the pure confusion that is almost child-like in Hijikata’s face broke him.

_What do you mean?_

_I don’t know…_

_What do you mean you don’t know—_

_I said I don’t know!_

Gintoki ends up telling Hijikata one night when the stab wound from a street-robber slowly drains the life from Hijikata in the alley near the Shinsengumi barrack. Rather than chasing for the bastard who runs away, Gintoki stays by Hijikata’s side, pressing on the wound in hope to stop the bleeding. The lack of panic and more of despondent look on Gintoki’s face is what prompted Hijikata to ask him.

“Hey, …you said that… I’m going to die at the end of the day… no matter what.”

“You’re bleeding, don’t move.”

“I’m going to die anyway, …right?”

“…”

“How do you—know that I’m always going to d-die…”

“…”

“Have you… seen me—…”

Hijikata’s already weak heartbeat slows down more to a sink at the realization.

“Am I—… are we… stuck or…”

“…”

“ _Gintoki_ ,”

“…”

“I die and you always watch… d-don’t you?”

Gintoki doesn’t meet Hijikata’s eyes. He keeps pressing on the oozing wound despite knowing that it’s futile.

Hijikata grabs onto Gintoki’s hand.

“—how many times,”

Gintoki’s voice is raw when he speaks.

“ _I’ve lost count_.”

* * *

It rains the next day and Gintoki stays at the Yorozuya. He watches the rain pours outside from his chair. When he decides to go out, he only exits his apartment to go downstairs at the bar and call for Tama to meet him upstairs. Gintoki is back on his chair when Tama arrives shortly, standing just by the living room entry.

“Is there something you need, Gintoki-sama?”

“I’m never going to save him, aren’t I?”

Tama looks straight at him. The only other person that’s aware of this whole experience is the robot. He doesn’t really understand it at first how Tama retains her memory (or data, as she corrects him often) with each reset. Gintoki understands how his own memory is keep in-tact, he’s the subject of this cruel world after all. His memory is the main subject of torture here. Gintoki thought at first that it’s because Tama is his way of resetting the world each time. So it makes sense for her to have all the accumulating data. At first Gintoki thought it was similar to going back in time, thought it was time-travel. But then he realized he hasn’t been calling for Tama in a long while, and that’s why he asked her to come today.

Gintoki realizes that the day reset itself when he goes to sleep, when he dies, when dawn sets on the horizon again. It becomes a new day that’s exactly the same. It’s like the world is only constructed of a single day and he’s reliving it again and again. There is no present, this is both the past and future.

And Gintoki realizes that he cannot save Hijikata Toushirou from death no matter what.

Hijikata will always die.

“Are you ready to come home, Gintoki-sama?”

Gintoki looks at the window one last time. Somewhere out there, Hijikata’s body is drenched wet in rain and blood. He won’t be carrying his body home today.

“ _Yeah_.”

* * *

Red eyes slowly peeking open and Gintoki feels the crusts on his eyelids as he shields them from the light in the room. His whole body feels like killing him when he’s finally aware of it.

“Welcome back, Gintoki-sama.”

Gintoki feels like his throat is made from sandpaper when he tries to talk. “How long was I in there?”

“According to the machine data, you’ve cycled through 12,418 iterations through the course of your time in there. That is about 408 months or 34 years in time.”

“H-how long is it outside— _!!_ ”

“It is currently 18:15, June 22, 202X. The day after Gintoki-sama went under the simulation chamber.”

Gintoki feels sick at the idea that he’s been living for 34 years in just a single day. Decades-worth of fabricated memories that age his soul tremendously. And yet it was only in a single-day cycle, he’s just been repeating it enough to have accumulated into 34 years.

After throwing up in the trashcan that’s immediately provided by Tama, Gintoki asks for the old man. Tama tells him that Gengai-sama is currently out for a drink at Snack Otose.

He mumbles a thank you at Tama before leaving the garage. Gintoki lets his feet carry him home, his trust on his body turns to be a mistake when he stops at the junction to the Shinsengumi barrack instead. His body decides on the false habit because it was ingrained so much into his brain that it feels more than natural to visit the compound.

Gintoki takes one look of the gate in the distance and immediately turns back, this time walking home for sure.

* * *

“Kagura, if there’s job request today, go with Shinpachi and Sadaharu, alright?”

Kagura pokes out her head from the kitchen area still in the middle of brushing her teeth, seeing the Yorozuya boss putting on his boots in the entryway. She blinks, it’s not unusual for Gintoki to go on his own, early or not; but it’s been a while since he does that, so it’s somewhat unusual.

“Where are you going?”

“I haven’t paid my respect.”

Kagura doesn’t implore more, she understands immediately. She already understands much when she finally saw him back last night after missing for almost a week. Tama told her and Shinpachi of Gintoki’s whereabouts, but their boss already hooked into the machine and Tama said that there’s no telling when Gintoki-sama will wake up, it’s for him to decide.

Gintoki arrives at the place around noon. The sun is high above his head. He takes out the small container from the plastic bag, removing the staple and placing it open on the stone. He squeezes a dollop of mayonnaise over the dango.

“Sorry for being late, I got lost on my way, I guess.”

He looks up at the stone with ‘Hijikata Toushirou’ written on it. Gintoki burns an incense for him.

He sits down in front of Hijikata’s gravestone.

“I hope you’re willing to listen to my excuse.”

* * *

_“What’s this?”_

_Gengai popped behind Gintoki, taking a look at the metal helmet in the samurai’s hand._

_“Ah, that’s part of my simulation machine. You put it on, and your consciousness will be transferred into the computer.”_

_“Simulation?”_

_“Yeah, I created it when I was reminiscing about Saburou. I thought about reliving my days during his childhood, I wanted to see him again.”_

_“… How does it work?”_

_“It gathers information from your memory and create a simulated stage, the person then gets put inside the simulation and free to do whatever they want there. Theoretically it can recreate anything as long as the person has collective memories of it. The AI simulates based on the original memory. It’s not the real thing, but the experience is quite real. Interested in trying, Ginnoji?”_

_“… It’s not real.”_

_Gengai knew._

_“It helps ease the pain if you have regrets.”_

**Author's Note:**

> sorry i haven't been updating lately, been busy with other stuff and writers block hits me out of nowhere. i hope i can start updating more after this.
> 
> yes, hijikata is dead, this is a story about gintoki who couldn't accept the truth and decided to live on a dream (so to speak). i think his regret is not being able to prevent hijikata's death. but when it comes to fate, no one has a say in that. all that happens within the loop is just in gintoki's head. it's not the real hijikata and somewhere deep down, gintoki knows that he can't replicate the real thing.


End file.
